Whatsername

Nothing. Then, “Hello!? St. Jimmy?! Is it really you?!” The voice on the other end sounded panicked. I could hear other people in the background screaming and crying out for help. “Yeah, I’m St. Jimmy. Who’s this?”
“My name is Net-A-ki. I’m from the world of the Underbelly. Oh, St. Jimmy, we need your help……(buzzzz) A great beast and …..(buzzzzz)… please hurry!” The line dropped and I turned to Mary Jane.
“It sounds bad. You should go.” I nodded. I stood and turned to her. “Well, are you coming with?”
She blinked at me. Then smiled. “Yeah. Of course I’m coming, St. Jimmy.”


I packed my guitar, my bible, and pick. Some questionably clean cloths, cans of food, and a can opener. Kissed my mom good-bye. Shook Brad’s hand later(p.s. I guess the dude’s not so bad. After all, he did buy me a flat screen for my video games.). And with my three best friends, Mike, Billie, and Tré and girlfriend in tow, I set out to save more people. The job of St. Jimmy is never done.



Looking back on my life, I can’t think of one reason why it was me who became St. Jimmy. But whatever cosmic reason there was, I’m truly glad for it. I’ve met many great people. Saved the lives of those I care most about. I’ve seen death, yes. But I’ve also seen miracles in the people I help.
Now, at the end of my life. I must find the one to succeed me, the one to be the next St. Jimmy. One who is pure of heart and soul. A caring person who can be tough as nails when needed. He has to be a good man.
This is the only trouble I have now. I want to rest in peace in the Land of MakeBelieve with my beloved Mary Jane, mother of the three perfect children. But my lack of an heir keeps me here. That is why I have taken to writing this story. It is something merely to pass time.
If only I could land on someone’s doorstep and pass on this bible and title. Just like Jimmy did to me all those years ago. Ah, life would be so much easier if things always worked out the way we wanted. But they don’t. And to you, my dear reader I say;



Never give up on your dreams. Never give up on humans. Or yourself. Keep trying to reach the stars. And remember, love will always trump evil.


Thank you, and good-bye.......

I Homecoming

The streets almost sparkled in the early morning summer light. The lawns looked as perfect as ever. The only movement on the street was to the left of me. There was a moving van, a bright blue mini van, and a family. Or at least there was a mom and a dad. No kids insight.
The scene made my heart ach. Mary Jane wouldn’t be coming back. She wouldn’t toss footballs over my fence or hang out with me and the guys at the 7-11 or talk to me ever again. I slumped on the front stairs and watched as the mom and dad guided the movers to the house with boxes and furniture.


I moved into the back yard to sit under the shade of an umbrella. I was mostly waiting for mom and Brad to leave for the store. I’m not very good at buying food when we run out. I’ll probably starve myself when I leave if I don’t live with friends.
I really wanted a cig. I hadn’t had one since I went to the Land of MakeBelieve. I needed it to clam down. The past few days were flooding back to me in small waves. It was a little nerve raking. A cigarette or two would have been nice. But I couldn’t risk getting caught.
I stretched back in the ugly lawn chair and started to doze off. But only for a second, because a football landed sharply in my gut and I fell out of the chair in pain.




(II East 12th St.)


A football. I glared at it thru pain soaked eyes. My eyes were starting to water because the ball landed a little lower than my stomach. Right then, the only thing on my mind is killing the little brat who did this.
Once I was able to stand again, I stormed over to the fence, ready to kick some kid’s ass. “Hey!” I snapped over the fence. “Lose something?” I barked in a sarcastic tone.
“Oh, hey. Yeah. Man, I’m sorry.”
The football slipped from my fingers back into the other yard. In front of me was a girl around my age with died bright red and black hair that fell to her shoulders. She had bright and lively blue eyes. And a voice I could never get out of my head. I was tall, so I didn’t have to crane my neck to see her perfectly. Every detail, every inch of her was the same as the first time we met.
She stared back at me. Only she looked confused and scared. Maybe it wasn’t the same girl. “Uh…sorry. I don’t mean to stare.” My face flushed with bright red color. Hers did too. We stood in a mute silence for an eternity.
I decided to be the one to talk first. “My name’s Jimmy. What’s yours?” She looked at the ground before speaking.
“Jimmy, you know who I am…..” She looked back up into my eyes. Such a beautiful blue, I could die. “It’s me, Mary Jane. Or at least that’s all I am now.”
“Now?” I asked. She glared at me. “Jimmy, don’t make me say it!” She was frustrated. I didn’t blame her. I would be too if I was talking to someone with no memory of the last few days. “Um… I can’t remember anything. Not past getting back from… uh… ‘that’ place.” I made air quotes, not wanting someone to hear me say the Land of MakeBelieve. They’d have me locked up forever.
“Oh...” She looked surprised by this. Then her face lite up. “Okay. No need to worry about it really. All that matters is I’m back. for good.” The way she said this made my face burn brighter. Even though I was totally ready to take her back (not that we were ever together), some part of me said that I shouldn’t. She left me without so much as a good bye.


(III Nobody likes you!)

I was sitting in the back of the 7-11, waiting. Billie, Tré and Mike were supposed to meet me there. Mary Jane, too. So I sat. Alone. The lights flickered above my head in a ghostly way. I watched the door only out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t want them thinking I was watching for them.
The out-of-place-grandfather-clock chimed out nine o’ clock. I bite my tongue. Where are they? Just then, the front door swung open and they flooded in. They all stopped to buy something to eat and drink, then headed over to me. I quickly cleaned off my empty nacho plate and hamburger wrapper. Signs of just how long I’d been sitting here.
“Hey, dude! Sup?” Billie called as he slapped me a high five. I smiled. It was great having friends. “Nothing much. Same-old-same-old. You?” He laughed as he took a seat next to me.
“Oh, man. My job, dude. It sucks major balls. Like you have no idea!” We both laughed.
“Really? You wanna try saving the world? I’ll trade you.” He slapped me on the back. Everything was just like old times. As it turned out, someone had filmed the fight with Whatsername. All of them had watched it on Youtube. Mike, Tré, and Mary Jane walked over to us. Mary Jane leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.
I could see Mike rolling his eyes at our PDA. I knew he was only doing it to mess with me. They all liked Mary Jane.
Once everyone was sitting around me, I smiled and asked, “So, everyone, Whacha think of St. Jimmy?”




(IV Rock and roll Girlfriend)


It was near the end of summer and I was loving my job as St. Jimmy. There wasn’t much to do now that Mary Jane was just a girl again, not a monster. I played a few gigs around town, birthday parties, bars, etc. I hadn’t seen anyone from the Land of MakeBelieve in a long time too. It kind of made me home sick.
It was one week before school when I decided to take my mom, Mary Jane, and the guys to the Land of MakeBelieve with me. While everyone else was excited to go, Mary Jane wasn’t. Can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to go back to the scene of my crimes either. But she came along anyway. She said it was too beautiful of a place not to go see again.


We stood on the threshold of the beautiful world. Mom griped my arm tightly. “You own this?” She gasped. I laughed and nodded. We walked into town, everyone buzzing with joy over the scenery.
As we walked into the town, mom squealed. “My, God. Those houses are just the cutest things ever!”
“So, where is everybody?” Billie asked. I shrugged. “No clue. Last time I came, I walked in with all the people.” I looked about. I freed my arm from mom’s hands and headed for one of the homes. “Brother Gregen?” I called. “Gregen! It’s me. St. Jimmy. I’ve brought some friends for a visit.”
A door to my right creaked open. It was Gregen. I could feel moms, Billie’s, Mike’s, and Tré’s eyes budging out of their heads. Gregen walked slowly up to us. “M-milord. Forgive my rudeness.” He was sweating bullets. That’s when it dawned on me why no one came out of their house, why Gregen was acting so weird. Mary Jane.
“She’s not our enemy anymore. It’s cool. Trust me.” Gregen’s eyes flashed between me and Mary Jane who I knew was trying to hid behind one of the guys. He nodded. “I trust you, Milord. Her heart is pure now. No doubt by your doing.” He smiled a greasy toothed smile.
Everything was right with the world now. I had my girl, my friends, and my people. I put an arm around Gregen’s dirty shoulder as others came out to greet mom and my friends. “So, how can we get one of these houses for my mom? I think it’d be a nice mother’s day gift, don’t you?” He laughed. I laughed, too. Everyone everywhere was laughing that day.




(V We’re coming home again)


Life was as normal as it would ever be, being St. Jimmy and all. As school started to creep up on us, our visits to the Land of MakeBelieve grew farther apart. Though we all tried to go as much as possible. School has a funny way of getting in the way of doing the things you really want to do.

Mary Jane and I were sitting on the front steps of her house when something buzzed. We both pulled out our phones to check. As I yanked mine out of my tight jeans pocket, something else fell out and hit the ground. The true source of the buzzing noise.
I bent down to scoop it up. It was the golden pick for my guitar. I kept it on me at all times, just like the bible of “none of the above”. I’d never seen it do this before. I pulled out the bible and flipped thru it to find an answer.
One page said it could mean danger was close by. Another said it meant I wasn’t playing my guitar enough. At the back, a ripped and well worn page claimed that it was a message from another world. Well, I thought, it couldn’t be I’m not playing enough, I play everyday. As for danger, there seemed to be none. So I had to go with “phone call”.
Answering it turned out to be easier than I thought. Simply place the pick in where your memory card would go and press “talk”. I did just that. “Hello?” I asked.

Wake me up when September ends

I closed my eyes, expecting to die right there and then. Already believing I had failed before I had even begun. But I didn’t die. The boulder of gray didn’t smash me under its massive size. Something did happen though. Music. There was music.
I could hear Whatsername’s bloodcurdling screams once more. I peeked at the grey cloud thru a half shut eye. She/It was retreating and shrinking. Now I opened both of my eyes, wide. Where was the music coming from? I certainly wasn’t playing.
Pushing myself back up on my feet, I turned to glance behind me. There they were. My people from the Land of MakeBelieve. They had come to save my ass. All I could do was stand and gawk at them like I was brain dead.
Gregen rushed over to me. “Milord, we can not do it without you. You must play with us.” He bent over a lifted the guitar off the re-greened grass and shoved it into my chest, which still throbbed. I readjusted the strap, listened to everyone play, then jump in myself.
Whatsername’s cries of pain grew louder and louder still. I focused on the strings to keep Mary Jane’s voice out of my head. G, A, up, down. My fingers were used to the placement by now. I could have played in my sleep.
I could feel the guitar pulling me into another world. Not like the Land of MakeBelieve, but something much more beautiful. I couldn’t feel my fingers because they weren’t my fingers anymore. They were a completely different being from me. Every part of me felt like this. My head was swimming some ten feet away from my body which was flying away from my legs and arms.
Then song was over and my world came back into view. The sky was a rich blue with hints of pinks and purples. The grass was green once more. There was no sign of gray anywhere.
That’s when I let myself fall to my knees. Fighting off a giant cloud beast with only a guitar takes a real toll on your body. Everything hurt and then it all went black.


I didn’t know what day it was. Or how long I’d been sleeping for. I couldn’t remember a whole lot past coming home from the Land of MakeBelieve. But my head hurt, so something must have happened. Something big that I should remember. As I moved to sit up in bed, I heard the front door creak open downstairs.
I crawled out of my dank room and headed down to see who was here. As I passed into the main room, I spied a clock. It was a really nice clock. It told the time and day and month. I stopped to see if it was early or late. It read ten in the morning. Good, I’m safe. Then my eyes slide down the glossy face to check the day.
September 1st.
I blinked.
I looked over the clock again.
Still September 1st.
This couldn’t be right! September?! Last I checked it was still July. I whirled around to face mom and Brad, suntanned and carrying more bags than when they left. “Mom!” I shouted. “The clock…it’s.. I think it’s broken! It can’t be September!”
Mom just stared at me like I was a lunatic. Maybe I am. “Hunny,” she said softly. “The batteries have been dead since we got the thing. It takes special batteries we could never find.” I blinked (again).
“Hee….ha…” I couldn’t help but laugh at my own stupidity. September? What was I thinking?

At breakfast, Brad told me about all the fun they’d had on their vacation. I didn’t really hear a word he said though. In one ear, out the other. I pulled on the first pair of clean looking jeans and a tee that was lying on my computer chair. Something in my gut said I needed to go outside. Once my hair was fixed up, I headed out into the colorful world outside my door.

Letter Bomb

Yellow Stone Park was covered in a thick mist. I had only been here once when my father was still alive. He used to love camping and hiking. I walked the lonely trails, trying to find the way to the black bear caves. On my back bounced the Heavenly guitar, in my pocket the bible of “none of the above”, and in my hand was the golden pick.
I wandered around the gray drizzled earth, going no where fast. The fog that was setting in around me made it even harder to find the path. It was looking like I would just end up a bear food if I didn’t get rid of this gray soon.
I walked a little farther into the forest. I finally came upon a rock. A nice large rock that I could sit and play my guitar on. I slid the case off my back and placed the end gently on the moist grass. I opened the case and began to play one of the unnamed songs I’d learned.
Little by little, the gray melted away, just like the other day. It flowed down the hill and disappeared into nothingness. I sighed and sucked in as much of the fresh air as my lungs could hold. I jumped to my feet. I didn’t have time to be spending enjoying Yellow Stone. I had to find Whatsername.


With the gray haze gone, I could see the world clearly. It didn’t take me long to find where the bear caves where. Now it hit, I was scared shitless. In a moments time I would be face to face with a beast, a man eating beast. And all I had to defend myself was a guitar.
My heart beat like a war drum. My legs had become jell-o like and refused to move. I bit my lip till it bled. I hoped that would be the only blood of mine spilt today.


I pressed on because my heart told me I had to, though my head screamed that I’d die. My heart was right, I had to help everyone. I had to save the world. Hell, I was the only one who could do it. Besides, if I was lucky, Whatsername would still be asleep when I got to the cave. Yeh, right!


Black bear cave #3 loomed over me like the mouth of a sea monster, ready to eat me whole. I took my guitar out of the case and slipped the strap over my chest. It felt more like a cobra squeezing my chest. I couldn’t breath. Sucking in air was like eating knives.
I could hear her moving about within the confines of the cave. A sick kind of hissing sound erupting from the belly of the creature within. I feared that she would come out before I had time to find my nerve again. I re-bit the part of my lip I had sunk my teeth into early and let it bleed once more. This helped steady my brain. I was focused once more.
I pulled the pick out of my pocket and gave the guitar a test strum. The godlike sound echoed inside the cave and back out to me. Minutes passed as I waited to see what would happen. Then a horrifying scream rang out the open cave. The force of the sound nearly sent me on my ass.
It had worked. The sound of my guitar hurt Whatsername. It hurt her. Or it? It hurt Mary Jane….. This one took a few seconds to sink in fully. Mary Jane. I was attacking the only girl I loved. But she was also a monster, bent on destroying this world and the Land of MakeBelieve. I couldn’t let that happen.
Mary Jane or not, I had to win. It was a simple as that. Besides, the beast that emerged from the cave looked nothing like her or a human. Just a large, shapeless gray cloud that dripped gray from what I guessed to be her/its mouth.
I raised my pick again and hit the cords for another song. Only I didn’t hit them right. The sound bounced off of Whatsername and knocked me backwards. I smacked into the ground with a painful thud.
A sharp pain ran up my spine and I swore my back was broken in two. Whatsername laughed at my pain. It may not have looked like Mary Jane, but it definitely sounded like her.
I quickly located my pick and moved to grab it when something like a rock smashed into my side. I groaned and coughed up blood. I saw it fly out in front of me. It soaked into the graying earth. I pulled myself as far up as I could get so as to look at Whatsername. I looked up just in time to see another boulder come crashing down at me.

Extraordinary girl

It didn’t take people long to call the station and request their favorite songs. I had been expecting those calls. The call I hadn’t been expecting came around midnight from somewhere unknown. There was a lot of crackling from the other end. Heavy breathing and wheezing filled my ears. I paused before speaking.
“H-hello?” I asked. A long pause that spanned life times. Then finally, the person spoke to me. “Hello, St. Jimmy. I’ve been waiting for you. It’s been so very long since we last talked.”
I nearly dropped the receiver. The voice was a little distorted and strained, but it was still the same. It was her voice. Mary Jane. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yes, it has. It seems you’ve made yourself right at home here in my world.” I said in a voice I hoped didn’t sound scared and horrorstricken.
She laughed. A spine chilling sound. “Yes I have. I quite like this place. But, Jimmy, you know that’s not why I called.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Very much so, Jimmy. You’ve destroyed my pretty gray. I can’t forgive you for that.” Another laugh. I bit my tongue, attempting to steady myself. It didn’t help every much. I could still feel my body trying to tip over.
“But if you want to stop me, Jimmy, you have to come and find me.” Whatsername laughed at me. It surged thru my bones. “I…I will. I will come find you, and stop you.”
“Good boy. I knew you would. Let’s make this time fun, okay, Jimmy?”
The receiver clicked and buzzed as the voice on the other end died. I sat, frozen to the chair for an eternity. I needed a plan. I had to figure out where Whatsername was hiding. But how?



Safely back in my house, I flipped thru the pages of the bible of “none of the above”. There had to be a method, a way of finding Whatsername. It wasn’t like she/it would just appear on my doorsteps. And the news was no help either. There were still parts of the world in a gray fog. I wasn’t able to reach everyone last night.
I traced each page with my careful eyes, making sure not to skip over anything that might help me. Nothing. I cussed and tossed the book at the TV, which tipped over. I sighed. Stupid thing. I walked over to lift the TV back onto the table when I discovered something. The bible was gone. The TV had eaten it. No, it was more like the TV absorbed the bible.
Flashing on the screen were the same worn letters of the bible of “none of the above”. I quickly set the TV back in place and rushed over to the remote. I swallowed the lump that had formed in the back to my throat, and pushed the number 1 button.
It clicked and switched channels. What was I looking at? A dark cave filled with a darker smoke. It had to be where Whatsername was hiding. “But what cave?” I asked aloud.
Slowly the screen pulled back and the image of Whatsername shrank. I watched as the camera or what ever was filming this exited the cave to show me the sign with its name painted on it. Black bear cave #3 in Yellow Stone Park. It was that far. I could make it in one night by airplane.
My only problem now was getting the bible back out of the TV. I looked over the remote. My eyes landed on the little red button at the bottom that I’d never seen before. Underneath the button was the word “exit”. I pressed the button and waited.
Gradually, the bible broke through the surface of the TV’s screen. It was like watching a sci-fi movie. Only totally freakier. I rushed forward to grab the bible before it hit the ground. The bible of “none of the above” was not to touch the ground, ever. That was rule number one.


It’s easy to get a plane ticket when 1) you looked like your twenty, not seventeen and 2) when your mom’s married to millionaire lawyer with the brain of a child (meaning, Brad hid money in a piggy bank in his closet.).
The lady at the counter didn’t card me, just smiled and handed me my ticket. Thanks to Brad, I was able to ride first class. As we took off, I dozed off. It wasn’t till we landed that I woke up. The past few days/hours/whatever must have taken their toll on me. But at least now I was ready to fight Whatsername.

She’s a rebel

I didn’t go to dinner the night before or breakfast the next morning. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going or that I was leaving to begin with. I just got up and left. I packed the guitar and the bible of “none of the above” and song book into my backpack and headed for the portal to the Land of MakeBelieve.
On the other side, my side, it was early the next morning. The sun hadn’t even risen enough for there to be a pinky colored light to guide me. The ground was moist from the rain that had fallen when I left this world what seemed like four days ago. The fog that engulfed the earth made clear that Whatsername was still on the move. Still sucking all the music and love from this world. It wouldn’t be long before she returned here, to destroy the Land of MakeBelieve, too.


I stood in front of what I believed to be the town I had just been in the day before. Only it didn’t look a thing like I remembered. Everything was an off shade of gray. The grass, trees, houses, even people were gray. There was this sense of doom and gloom that hung heavy in the air like the smoke from fireworks.
I was gagging on the fear of these people who had suffered because of my lack of responsibility. I grew angry with myself. While I had been having my little episode of self hate and pity, they had been slowly dying inside and out.
I hitchhiked to the middle of town. I stopped at what was once a cheery looking café with bright, blooming flowers and candy colored seats. I pulled up on of the chairs and pulled out the black guitar and tuned it. I started to play a song that had no words written with it. So I made them up.
“She’s a rebel, she’s a saint. She’s the salt of the earth, and she’s dangerous. She’s a rebel, vigilante. Missing link on the brink of destruction.”
Slowly, with every note, the gray appeared to melt off the people and buildings. The gray ooze floated down the main street into the sewer pipes. People on the streets turned to one another and stared in awe. They cheered and laughed. Happy voices mixing with the sound of my guitar. The sound swelled and grew till it was like a living being.
I hit the last note with a dramatic flourish. The crowd roared with praise. The gray was gone. Everything and everyone was their right color and happy once more. I sat with my face to the bright sun, soaking it all in.

On the walk home, I thought of something. How could I get the whole world to hear this song? By now, it all had to look like this town had only seconds before.
I was standing out side the answer to my question. I looked up at the old radio station. It hadn’t been used in years because the owner’s kid had gone on to be a TV sportscaster instead of carrying on the station. It was easy to break into the station. All I had to do was bust the padlock on the front door. Piece of cake.
Once inside, I headed straight for the intentional room. It was the room where Big Dan’O held his weekly broadcast. It was heard all over the world. And that was just what I needed.
It took me a few minutes to figure out how to turn on the station. Once on, I set up the mic and a stool beneath it. I click the on button. I could hear a static like noise in the headphones. I coughed then began to play the guitar.
I played for what seemed like days. My fingers burned with pain from holding the strings in place. One of them began to bleed a little. My throat became horse and dry. But I played thru the pain and ache. I had to keep going. I had to reach everyone in the world. To let them know, St. Jimmy was going to save them all. Look out Whatsername, I’m coming for you.